A man without a moustache is like a cup of tea with out sugar...

Week Nine:Moustache

For years I’ve been convinced that I have some natural born talent I have yet to discover. I am completely average at everything I have ever attempted including school, sports, music or anything else I’ve put effort into. However, despite a lifetime of mediocrity, I am confident I will someday realize my secret talent and when that happens I just hope it’s not too late to capitalize. And while my recent foray into snowboarding was just another in a long line of disappointments in this quest of discovering some innate ability, I’m still holding out hope for surfing or accounting or some other useful skill - only time will tell.

However, the operative word in this pursuit is useful. The mountains of pop-culture and historical knowledge in my brain might be impressive when playing Trivial Pursuit but it’s not worth much in terms of employment or monetary gain (Jeopardy hasn’t returned my calls). Another less than useful skill I have successfully developed is the ever-impressive ability to grow facial hair. Now I realize this doesn’t sound terribly remarkable but trust me, I can go from baby-face to lumberjack in a matter of days. Therefore, during week nine in my adventure I will showcase this talent by keeping a moustache for an entire week.

Since puberty, I have experimented on occasion with many varieties of facial hair. Particularly in my late teens and early twenties, I tried every style of beard and goatee imaginable, from chinstrap to Van Dyke and even the dreaded line beard. However, despite my usual sideburn and soul patch combo nothing ever made a lasting impression. But despite this rampant experimentation, the one taboo I never dared to attempt was the moustache. Quite frankly, I never thought I had the stones to pull it off. After all, when successfully employed, it is one of the manliest and most badass accessories on the face of the planet. So this week, I will quite literally “man-up,” and sport several variations of moustache in my daily life for seven straight days.

In order to really do this the right way I just stopped shaving one day in early January. I had no timeline for this experience but I knew I needed a solid foundation in order to have an effective moustache. My plan was to start full and shape it down rather than just grow it from scratch. Therefore, after about a month of unencumbered growth I was left with a very full, dark and manly beard. Once, I finally felt my canvas was ripe for harvest I set out my plan. I knew I wanted to experiment with a variety of moustache styles and shapes so obviously I had to start with the largest and work my way down.

My first choice, and very easily my favorite moustache style, is the classic handlebar, or what I like to refer to as the Hogan-stache - of course, named for the American wrestling icon Hulk Hogan. Originally, I wanted to start a little more intense, thinking along the lines of the father from Orange County Choppers. However, that proved to be much more challenging than I anticipated and as I whittled away my beautiful beard, it was nearly impossible to keep that thing even. Also, for good measure, I was going to add some nice, big pork-chop side burns but they suffered the same curse of imbalance before returning to my standard, more conservative, sideburn shape.

So after a bit of struggle, I was forced to give up on the big spread, but I was more than happy to settle on the traditional Hogan-stache. Though classy and timeless, however, this style revealed my facial hair’s peculiar growth pattern. For some strange reason, despite the thick black hair sprouting from ear to ear, my upper lip grows in blonde. Therefore, my handlebar stache is slightly irregular, as the light hair turns dark just past the corners of my mouth – but it still gets the point across.

My first day with a moustache was a shock to most of the people I regularly encounter, not only because of its sheer awesomeness, but also because they were used to seeing me with a full beard. Many of these people really liked the Hogan (everyone else was wrong) and since I started this adventure last Friday, I was happy I could show it off in public that night. Jackie and I met up with some of her coworkers for a birthday celebration at Dave and Busters and, very appropriately, my new companion helped guide me towards bubble hockey glory. I’m telling you, I’ve never felt so manly as when I had that bad boy strapped across my mouth.

In fact, I was so fond of the Hogan I decided to let it ride through the weekend, which of course included a Super Bowl party at my brother Pat’s house where I was able to further show it off. However, Monday morning came and with it I felt the need to switch up my little nose neighbor for the sake of the adventure. I kept it simple enough, merely shaving the dark ends of the Hogan and leaving the puzzlingly blonde stache extending a bit over the corners of my mouth. Although not quite as powerful as the previous design, this shape was still pretty fantastic. In my efforts to appropriately name this version of moustache I could only liken myself to a cowboy or a 70s baseball player – both of which are definitely cool with me.

Unfortunately, after another two days it was time to move on again. The next stop on Mr. Moustache’s Wild Ride required me to further trim the handles up to the corners of my mouth. Sometimes referred to as “the caterpillar,” I would best describe this style as the Dad moustache – just your standard lip fur, perfect for mowing the lawn, reading the paper or teaching life lessons. Although it’s not the most impressive style of fanny duster, especially my inexplicably light version, it is easily the most popular - especially among fathers over the age of forty. However, as the week was coming to a close “the Dad” only lasted one day before it was time to move on. Apparently, I’m not quite ready for the responsibility of manning the barbeque.

Since this process of moustache evolution involves the strategic trimming of my face-pelt, I was limited to two options at this late stage of development. At first I considered the Charlie Chaplin, but that style carries some negative imagery due to its association with another prominent figure of the twentieth century. Over sixty years after his death, any visual similarities with Adolf Hitler are still generally frowned upon in most social situations.

Therefore, I decided my final style would be the pencil moustache made famous by such outstanding gents as director John Waters and swashbuckling actor Errol Flynn. Sculpting this masterpiece was certainly a challenge but I was able to successfully shave the top half of my lady tickler leaving a thin, straight line across my upper lip. Unfortunately, my baffling blond fleece diminished its stature but true moustache aficionados gave their full appreciation. However, it is now Thursday night, the end of week 9 and therefore the end of my mustachioed days.

I wish there was an uplifting message or some important moral to this adventure but that’s simply not the case. Instead, in addition to being something I’ve never done, I only decided to have a moustache for a full week because it’s funny. Please don’t get me wrong - moustaches look great on many people but usually only if they fit into one of several categories. These categories include but are not limited to police officers, cowboys, bikers, supervillians, and Burt Reynolds. The most important requirement for having a moustache, however, is the ability to grow one. Just as a full, dark moustache immediately demands a sense of machismo and respect, a greasy, thin pube-stache is a sure fire sign of a goofball. Personally, however, when it comes to facial hair, I prefer the clean-shaven to stubble look despite the hassle involved. At least Jackie will stop recoiling when I try to kiss her. Hopefully.

POP CULTURE UPDATE

Listening to: Otis Redding
Reading: Redemption Song: The Ballad of Joe Strummer
Recent Movie: Death Race (It's not Citizen Kane but we all need some guilty pleasures once in a while.)